Horoscope – January 2019

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This month, you might experience difficulties making a viable business around your art. Consider changing career.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Promotion of your band’s music and building an audience might be challenging this month, Taurus. Consider a new career.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This month, you might find yourself playing a gig with a band that mistake soundcheck for a practice. Try to remain calm and quit the band as soon as possible.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you’re playing on a double bill, the drummer from the following band might ask to borrow your cymbals. Set healthy boundaries.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This month, it will be hard find balance between drinking just enough to cope with stage fright and accidentally getting shit-faced.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Mars moves into your sign in January: don’t eat too much after soundcheck.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You could experience difficulties getting to venues, due to the sun that merges with Saturn, and the fact that you do not own a car.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Mercury moves into Capricorn on the 19th, signaling you may be ready for a day job.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
With a solar eclipse in Capricorn on the 21nd, if travelling, you might have to stop at Tim Hortons again for lunch.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A Leo full moon indicates that if you have to travel in a van with your band mates, you’ll be the one that has to pee most often.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As the Capricorn new moon and eclipse align on January 7, the producers of the show you’re on will have budget for hair & makeup but not for a guitar tech.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Mars enters Libra so you can expect an unusual amount of guys that also play drums to come and chat with you between sets.

“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” Voted Most Annoying Song in History of Pop

New York, November 22, 2018

 

Cyndi Lauper has long been recognized as a wildly successful musician. From her multiple hits throughout her career, to more than 10 tours both in and out of the US. Her crazy fashion, devil may care attitude and suggestive lyrics have earned her the title of “sex icon” for many who were teens and young adults in the mid-late 80s.

Despite this disappointing legacy, her true fans and followers known of as “screechers” were elated to hear that their favorite piece “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” has just been inducted into the Pop and Rock hall of failure as “Most Annoying Song in the History of Pop”.

“Yes, according to our considerable research, we have not only voted, but scientifically confirmed that ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ is most definitely the most annoying song in the history of Pop, if not in history, period.” Wrote Irving M. Deaf, leading researcher at the Educational Association of Research on Sound (E.A.R.S. for short)

“Oh yes, I’ve followed her throughout her career and I have to say this is the most exciting news I’ve heard in ages. It was a real downer when she started to take off. Her high pitched wails of ‘Just wanna, they just wanaaaaa’ used to wake me up every morning. There’s nothing more jarring, and I’ve passed that tradition on to my kids. It’s our version of TAPS. Now that she’s getting the attention she deserves, I feel much more entitled to my role as a screecher.” Says Kim, a 47-year-old mother of 4 and lifetime fan of Cyndi Lauper.

“It’s the perfect combination of catchy and terrible. The chorus can pop up anywhere in any social setting, nobody can remember the actual lyrics in the verses and the timbre of the young Cyndi Lauper is simply unbearable.” Raves prevailing music critic Dedum Bumpabum.

“I swear if I hear that song one more time, I’ll shove both of these pencils so far into my ears, they’ll be claiming lead poisoning as the cause of death in my autopsy.” Raves local bar owner Lee K. Taps.

In light of the recent events, local retro bars and music halls have removed the record from their collections. DJs across the US have reported “No longer playing Cyndi Lauper” alongside “No I do not take requests” on their resumes and applications.

“I can’t expect the layman to understand, but when a song is declared officially annoying, it has to be removed and banned on principal alone. If the great ‘What’s New Pussycat’ scandal of 1975 has taught us anything, it’s that the most annoying songs are always going to be played the longest and the loudest, probably out of the jukebox 20 times with a brief reprieve before they play it another 20 times in a row.” Says local diner-owner Brett Mahnek.

“If we agreed to play the songs that [the audience] wanted it would be nothing but the top 10 most annoying songs of the time. Now Cyndi has been declared most annoying, we’ll get nothing but requests for her. It’s like some sort of unspoken rule. The more annoying a song is, the more people want to hear it on the dance floor. I haven’t taken a request since 1997 and I’m not planning on starting just because some namby pamby sex icon from the 1980’s got a bee in her bonnet and decided to become ‘most annoying’ I don’t care what her so called ‘screechers’ want.” Says DJ Spinnet.

On a more global scale, the World Music and Dance Festival has put a “No 80’s sound bits” rule in place to prevent more avant-garde musicians from including any part of the song in their sets. No fewer than seven countries have added it to their blacklist of songs no longer allowed to be played on the radio, following the nomination by E.A.R.S. Pirate radio stations have been popping up off of the coasts of these countries playing nothing but this particular 1980s hit. Both authorities as well as citizens have been trying to hunt the perpetrators down.

In a surprising turn of events, Cyndi Lauper has announced a Summer Tour with fellow 80s sex icon and annoying song artist Rod Stewart. There’s even some rumor of “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” being up for nomination next year in the newly founded Academy of Terrible Art’s “Crummy” awards for “Most Annoying Song 2018”.

Landlord Refuses to Accept Exposure and Beer Vouchers as Rent Payment

Montreal, November 23 2018

“If I had known the only thing he’d accept is money, I wouldn’t have signed the lease” proclaims Edward Burdgerdon (known to his band mates as Eddy B.).

Local Landlord and commercial bar owner Robert Barns has recently refused his tenant the ability to pay for his rent in exposure and beer vouchers, even after paying Eddy B. and his band in strictly exposure and beer vouchers for their performances in his bar for the entirety of the previous month.

“My band doesn’t usually run gigs for cheapo bar owners who won’t pay us a wage for performing, but I figured if a landlord was offering it up as legit compensation, it’s gotta be, like, some form of legal tender, right?” Explained the drummer and band manager, Martin Gottfried (known to his band mates as Marty G.)

The band mates all agreed that if their landlord was only willing to pay them in exposure and beer, that if must be exchangeable as some form of payment in other facets as well.

“Hey, man. We spend time on a stage dodging beer bottles and it’s tiring work. We deserve to get paid. When our landlord himself gave us these options as payment, we expected that he would take them back as payment for his service, too.” Said lead singer Paul Demarco (known to his band mates as Pauly D.)

So what did our local cheapo have to say when confronted with this overwhelming evidence against him? When we first reached out, he provided us with a number to a local barber shop, we assume as a method of throwing us off the case, but we persisted, when we contacted him by e-mail, he finally responded:

“I only accept payment in the form of legal tender. It says so right there in the lease.” Robert whimpered pathetically when our paper reached out to him for comment.

“Yeah, we know those guys. We let them eat out of our fridge in exchange for walking our dogs twice a day. They don’t eat much and our dogs get walked while we’re at work, so it’s a pretty fair trade.” Said the local grocery store owners, Clark and Wanda Jimenez when asked about payment only in money.

“I’ve worked for them before, It was a pretty sweet deal. They played at my son’s birthday party. They have a killer Barney cover list and all they asked for was the leftovers. I even got the Tupperware back.” Said local businessman, Connor Fletcher.

“Apparently Robert’s the only guy in town that hasn’t heard of sweat equity. I fixed their radiator last week in exchange for their latest demo CD and a poster of Dio they had hanging on the back of their front door. They even got it signed by Dio’s best friend’s aunt, so you know it’s got some authenticity.” Said local contractor, Billy Hammerstein

“This sets a pretty significant double standard. Where would we be in our society today if our friends and family didn’t accept unconditional love and affection as payment for their services of keeping us alive until we’re 18? It’s almost as if Robert hasn’t ever exchanged services for immaterial compensation before, which I find denotes a lack of character and compassion. This, of course, says more about Robert than any of my band mates.” Says the bands attorney, who accepts payment in gum and free rides to and from work every day. “Of course, defending them in a court of law will be impossible, but I’ll do my best for them. They haven’t left me waiting after work once!”

“They’re taking me to court? How could they afford the court fees?” Mr. Barns whined after we notified him they had contacted their attorney.

“The accounting clerk for our city accepts our parent’s Wi-Fi passwords as compensation for court fees.” Explains previous band member William Parker (We’re not allowed to give out his abbreviated band name). “The city clerks really good friends with all of them and appreciates not having to ask when he goes over, because, obviously that can get really awkward, and he’s really shy and has a hard time as it is getting out at all, why make it harder for him right? We’re all in it for the benefit of the community at large. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.”

More information on the groundbreaking story is on its way as the trial date for this exchange is set for November 15th.

Assets for music teachers (with printables)

Have you ever searched the Internet for music teaching material? Have you noticed how everything kind of looks like it was designed for 2 year olds? Say no more. The Musician’s Van heard you and created teaching material that looks nice. The topic of today’s post is our very own [add delay and reverb to next phrase] Tweed Amp Printable Kit  kit… kit… kit… and the other products that match it.

The Tweed Amp Printable Kit is 6 worksheets to brighten your music lessons. Guitarists in particular will like this one, since it has this vintage guitar amplifier look. Your guitar student is going to think you’re sooooo cool. That is, if the word “cool” is still a thing. Here’s an overview of all the sheets and their purpose.  *the Tweed Amp Printable Kit is free when you sign up for the newsletter*

Practice log

A practice log for your student to fill. You know how young students tend to mistake “playing the song from start to finish as fast as possible” for actual practice? Get the help of an amp practice log to tell them exactly what they should work on. Then get them to mark the days they did practice. Unlike most practice logs, this one has a space for your pupil’s questions. You can also use it for yourself to get organized in your practice, we won’t tell. Everyone needs a little structure.

Practice log

Lesson planner

That one is for you, to plan ahead what you’re going to teach and when. You could also hand a copy of your plan to your students so they can mentally prepare for all the scales you got in store for them.

music lesson planner

Door sign

This is a “rockstar at work” sign for the door of your teaching room. Because Jimmy (keep reading, I’ll introduce Jimmy) deserves to be treated like the rockstar he is. It makes him feel confident and motivated enough to learn that Guns ‘n Roses solo. And you know, matching material makes you look organized, parents like that kind of stuff.

Rockstar at work door sign

Diploma

Your end of session diploma doesn’t have to look like it was desinged by a kindergarden teacher, for kids that have just learnt to ties their shoelaces. So, here’s a funny but classy diploma to give to your student.

The Musicians Van music certificate

Binder cover for your student

The main purpose of giving your student a binder cover is to get them to actually have a binder for the lessons instead of shoving your music sheets in the gigbag or forgetting them week after week. And also, we want you to be that teacher that has a little something nice to offer to the student on the first lesson.

music student binder cover

Binder cover for you

Need a little motivation to start the teaching season? This cover adds a nice vintage amp look to your teaching binder and helps you find it quickly. But mostly, it matches the rest of your material so you look like you have your shit together.

music teacher binder cover

So, that covers what you can find in that wonderful Tweed Amp Printable Kit. If you like the tweed amp design, be aware that we’ve also created matching customizable products for you. Simply enter you name and info in the templates and look profesh as hell.

Business cards

Yes, you DIY everything, but you probably don’t have time to design your business cards because you have to learn an entire top 40 show for tomorrow. Good thing we have the coolest musician business card template for you to fill out with your info.

Oh, I see your business cards match the sign on your door and your binder has those same colours with your name on it. Let me get my cheque book. Here’s my son Jimmy, teach him the guitar for the next ten years“.
– a parent

guitar teacher business card

Planner

Stay organized in style. This planner comes with awesome stickers by the way.

tweed guitar amp personalized planner

Lawn sign

Advertise your lessons with a custom Tweed Amp yard sign. Made with lightweight plastic and featuring the highest quality printing, this yard sign is weather and stain resistant and will look great indoors or outdoors.

Tweed Amp guitar lessons lawn sign

Don’t forget to sign up for our newsletter to be informed of our new awesome products for musicians. Did I say, the Tweed Amp Printable Kit is free when you sign up?