How to beg your band to take you back you didn’t mean it guys, you were just depressed

by Sofia Letterhead

So you quit your band right in the middle of an important gig, in front of the audience. You told them, via a public post on social media, that the reasons you were leaving were both their lack of talent and their body odors. Then you slept with the bassist’s girlfriend. All your former band mates now resent you. No worries, it’s never too late to make up for your poor life choices. Here’s How to beg your band to take you back you didn’t mean it guys, you were just depressed.

Be brutally honest

It’s a good thing you weren’t honest about the real reasons you were quitting. That way you don’t have to apologize for all those truths you would have said. But now it’s time to tell the truth about why you want to get back in: You need the money. You’ve had just about enough mayo sandwiches, you have no work experience, you’d even accept a door split gig. Honesty is allowed in this case because everyone can relate to your financial problems, and therefore feel sympathy for you. But this might not be enough. Read on.

Choose the best time

What you want to do is resurface strategically. Not too soon (give them time to forget the hurtful things you said about Terry) and not too late. Carefully choose a moment when you know they need you the most. Do they have a tour coming soon? Dates that were already booked before you quit?

Of course, if you’re a guitar player, forget all of the above. Do it as soon as possible before they find a sub.

Communicate with respect

If you want your band to take you back, respect the shit out of those guys. I mean, next level respect. Wear a clean t-shirt (even clean jeans, if you feel it’s necessary), sober up and show up. In person. Even if it means a 15 minute bus ride and a $2,25 ticket. Consider it an investment in your future.

Apologize (if you have to)

At first, you might experience some resistance when trying to contact your old mates. Phone numbers might have changed, restraining orders might have been put in place. All of this is normal, and you must not be discouraged. Keep trying for another couple of days. If you still don’t get an answer, that’s when you can start thinking about apologizing.

“I didn’t mean to quit. I was just depressed. None of this is my fault. Apologizing for what?” you think. Well, let me tell you something I’ve learned from years of experience: at this point, it doesn’t matter. Just be the adult in the room and say you’re sorry. Be vulnerable. You can even throw in a bit of “I love you guys” if you feel the apology doesn’t reach deep enough into their hearts.

Well, I hope this has helped you get back in your band and I wish you happiness in your future endeavors with them. And remember, if it doesn’t work out, you can always quit.


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How to quit your band

by Sofia Letterhead

So, it’s been two rehearsals in the drummer’s basement now and not a single show in sight. The guys are great but let’s face it: it’s January, there’s no work in the business, you feel like shit, you hate everything, this basement smells like mold, why did you choose stupid music for a stupid career? Plus, your amp is kinda heavy and it’s raining outside so you should definitely quit. But how?

Avoid being honest

If the reason you’re quitting is something like “I don’t have enough time” or “The new direction the band has taken is not where I want to go”, you’re gonna have to get creative here. I would suggest avoiding telling the truth so your mates don’t find out you’re a looser. Keep it badass, think about your reputation. Really anything will do except “I want to focus on my solo project”. That one’s used up. Even “I’m moving to New York to try and make it” would be more original at this point.  Try something unique like “I’m the one that has to room with Terry and that guy farts like it’s his motherfucking job”. It’s both efficient and hurtful.

Quit at the worst possible time

Choose your moment wisely. For example, you’d think that breaking the news to both your fans and bandmates at the same time, on stage after a show, would not be a wise choice. Think again: Having witnesses lowers the risk of violence in the eventuality of a bad reaction from your drummer. There’s also the option of saving your big announcement for the break between two sets. But then again, what’s even better is doing it before the show, so your mates have two sets to realize how they’re going to miss you.

Pick a disrespectful means of communication

It’s important to quit in style, which is best done in person. But if you really can’t be there due to unforeseen circumstances such as you not giving enough of a shit, don’t just go for the next more polite way to quit. In fact, you want to pick the very least considerate medium, and we will see why in the next paragraph. So, when it comes to rude ways of saying something important, texting is a classic. Public post on social media is arguably the worst. If you want to take rudeness to the next level and simply say nothing, not showing up to all upcoming rehearsals is a bold move, but it can backfire on you: what if they don’t notice your absence. You don’t want to have to call Terry and say “yeah how’s it going, by the way I quit the band six months ago”.

Burn any remaining bridge

When quitting a band, it’s important to get all members to resent you, in case you would have a moment of weakness in a couple of months and try to contact them again. Remember: only stupid people change their minds, right? So if the bass player remains your friend after you followed all of the advice above, simply sleep with his girlfriend and it’ll be all sorted out.

I hope this has helped you make informed decisions and plan an effective strategy.

Next week: How to beg your band to take you back because you didn’t mean it guys, you were just depressed


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Musician’s Horoscope: April

musician's horoscope for April

Your monthly horoscope by Jason Lowbatt

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This month, you might have to go through four years of random riffs named “new groove” in your voice memos to find an idea for a theme song. Be patient, and keep in mind you recorded most of these while you were high.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) 
Mercury enters Leo so you can expect feeling overwhelmed by an unusual amount of half used 9v batteries in your cupboard.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) 
As the Libra new moon and eclipse align on April 7, you might get you bass stolen before you had time to send that payment to your insurance company. You may have to hit the pawn shops.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With a solar eclipse in Mars on the 2nd, you might finally summon up the courage to restring that one with the floyd rose. But you could totally wait another month, like, you don’t play it that much, it’s still fine.

Leo (July 23-August 22) 
This month, if attending a party, you might find yourself having to discuss music with a jazz snob. Try your best to approach the situation diplomatically, but you may decide to slowly walk away.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) 
Jupiter moves into your sign in April: when the crowd cheers for an encore, act surprised.

Libra (September 23-October 22) 
You could experience difficulties getting over your last breakup, due to the sun that merges with Pluto, and the fact that you’re playing at five different weddings this month.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) 
If you’re going on tour, you might have to room with a night farter.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) 
This month, it will be hard to find balance between resenting DJs for making twice the pay of a whole band by pressing spacebar, and wanting to become a DJ.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) 
A Scorpio full moon indicates that you’ve been eating pasta every other day for the past decade. Find ways of increasing your annual income.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) 
When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius

Pisces (February 19-March 20) 
Having to learn an entire set in two days when you haven’t practiced your instrument these last two months because you were considering giving up music because you have no gigs, might be challenging this month, Pisces.


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Winning at life in fluffy clothes (a guide for freelance musicians)

by Lewis Garland, loose-fitting-outer-garment-for-freelance-musicians expert

As a self-employed musician, you probably work from home a lot. Be honest, do you often stay in your pyjamas the entire day? How is that working for your motivation level? Feeling flabby in your nightie?

Studies have shown that wearing a robe past 10 AM every day for an extended period of time can lead to depression.

You’ve probably seen those blog posts that tell you to get dressed and wear high heels and makeup to give you confidence and then boom, you’re a boss and next thing you know, you write an article titled “How I made my first 10k blogging from home”.

But other studies have also determined that 98% of clothes are ridiculously uncomfortable. That’s why you need to develop a strategy to be able to wear what experts call “soft clothing”, and still win at life.

Winning at life in fluffy clothes, a guide for freelance musicians. Photo of a man on a sofa with laptop by NeONBRAND on Unsplash

Say no to PJs

All freelance musicians who consulted me for garment issues came to two contradictory conclusions. Firstly, there’s no need to get dressed, and secondly, you can’t stay in your sleepwear all day. Indeed, the long-term effects on your self-esteem could be catastrophic. You might as well wear purple cotton leggings with crocs and a Mickey Mouse t-shirt to the grocery store while you’re at it.

What if I told you that you can trick your mind into thinking you’re getting ready for the day? I’m suggesting that you get out of your pyjamas and go straight into another set of pyjamas. But a fresh pair.

Go big and stay home

As a loose-fitting-outer-garment-for-freelance-musicians expert, I’d say oversized clothes are the number one alternative to pyjamas. The thing is, they make you look like a hobo. To avoid that, one might be tempted to go for fancy fabric such as silk, but then we’re back to that pyjamas look. The easy solution really, is to become a rapper. Let oversized clothing become your uniform.

If you’re not into hip hop, you can reach for fashionable, oversized designer clothes, but make sure you can count that in your business expenses. And be aware that there’s a 87% chance you will still look silly.

Overcompensate

The idea here is to use a device to distract the eye from your bad outfit. Nothing screams “boss” like the combination of an old, faded onesie and a full-face glittery makeup.

You know how, for some reason, some people have this permanent out-of-bed look? And not in the cool way. I’m talking about how certain people, no matter how hard they try to dress like functioning adults, always seem to display unkempt hair, wrinkled shirts and mismatched socks. I, for one, have this I-just-quit-smoking-crack look to my face. Nothing I can do about it, it’s just how god made me. So whenever I dress a bit too casual, I automatically look like I woke up from a coma two seconds ago. Therefore, I have to overcompensate with something that says “don’t let my outfit fool you, I’m playing an active role in society”.

So, if like me, you’re not one of those lucky folks that look slick even in track pants and a mustard-stained wife-beater, you need to start wearing a watch or a fedora (don’t actually) or something. Accessories, jewelry, makeup, hairdo, perfume, anything that you wouldn’t wear to bed. I personally prefer jewelry, as it requires the least amount of effort. Hell, I’m not even willing to flat iron my hair for a wedding, let alone to practice some pentatonic scales at home.

Finally, if you wear glasses, lucky you. At least your face is dressed for success.

Remember: the goal is to fool yourself (and your pets) into thinking you’ve got your shit together.

Half-ass it

If you’re gonna sit all day in your home studio, the bottom half of your outfit is the most problematic for comfort, so lose it. Dress half-nice, half-sweatpants. That way if you have to answer the door, you just look like you have extra swag today.

Expert tip: when you hear the doorbell, grab a smoothie and pretend you have yoga class.

Or, you could save all the comfort for the top half and try to pull off the “sexy pants with a loose t-shirt” look. But the problem is, non-skinny jeans don’t exist in stores anymore. And, well I’ll just say it: fuck skinny jeans, they’re too tight, even if you’re actually skinny. It’s impossible to enjoy life in a pair of skinny jeans.

Expert tip: replace skinny jeans with sporty-colored leggings. Activewear is comfortable and makes you think you’re not a slacker.

The brassière issue

Free the nipples? Get a hold of yourself, lady, this isn’t spring break, you’re at work.

Just kidding, but, an unreliable source once told me that boobs will stretch down to sea level much quicker if you don’t offer them daily support. Thank god for bralettes and sport tops is all I have to say.

Expert tip: if you feel like the day hasn’t started until you put on a bra, but still don’t want to wear one, replace the physical support with mental support: drink more coffee.

Footwear

Let’s see. Slippers make you walk like you’re 15 years old and don’t want to do homework. Obviously crocs are a big no-no, you’re not a gardener for Christ’s sake. So that leaves us with zero comfy footwear options. Just stay barefoot or wear socks.

But no thin brown socks, have some self-respect.  


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Musician’s Horoscope: March

Your monthly horoscope by Jason Lowbatt

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mars enters Capricorn so you can expect an unusual amount of assholes messing with the settings of your amp while you’re playing.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) 
This month, you might have to use public transportation at rush hour whilst carrying your guitar, amp and pedals.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) 
With a solar eclipse in Saturn on the 14th, you might finally get your first gig of 2019. In June.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This month, you might find yourself dealing with an awful sound tech: remain calm and pretend you believe them when they say that Of course you’re pre-fader.

Leo (July 23-August 22) 
Saturn moves into your sign in March: reconsider your project of going to New York to « make it ».

Virgo (August 23-September 22) 
You could experience difficulties scheduling a practice with your band, due to the sun that merges with Venus, and the fact that all members have four other bands and a day job.

Libra (September 23-October 22) 
If you’re playing live in bars or cafés, some of your gigs might start 45 minutes late. So if you’re in Montreal, expect a delay of an hour and a half.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) 
This month, it will be hard to find balance between wanting to advertise your freelance music teaching business and the fear of letting creeps in your home.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) 
A Libra full moon indicates that you might think about quitting music altogether at least 5 times this month.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) 
Operating equipment you don’t know the first thing about, while the success of the gig depends on it, might be challenging this month, Capricorn.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) 
Venus moves into Sagittarius on the 1st, signaling that most people coming to audition for your band will barely know how to play their instrument.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) 
As the Aquarius new moon and eclipse align on March 7, you might get a free pack of strings if you put this link on your website: www.stringsandbeyond.com.


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