Drummer Ruins Gig by Not Putting Wallet on Snare

drummer ruins gig by not puttin wallet on snare

By Dominic Ireland | February 9, 2019

Norwegian Trance Metal band “Cold Time Worship” drummer Nicole Speck has been credited with ruining her bands entire gig Monday night after not muting her snare by placing her wallet on it. In what many consider a “you had one job” scenario, her bandmates are re-negotiating her contract.

“This fiasco has lost us any further exposure at this venue, and that’s all we had going for us at this point. The wallet trick is the oldest in the book and she could have pulled it out and put it down on her kit at any point in the set. What did she do? She continued to play that snare at full blast the entire show. So unprofessional. What are we supposed to do now, buy a professional snare mute? As if! I’ve been eating ramen for three months since my welfare ran out.” Says lead singer Bryan “Dongle” Brickerson.

While Nicole’s error was major, there is the significant reassurance of job security as she is a drummer. This will give her quite a playing card in negotiations moving forward. Drummers are few and far between, especially in the metal world.

“Nicole’s a bit of a noob sometimes, but there’s no way we’re going to let her go. Do you know how hard it is to find a drummer? It took us four years to finally convince her to join our band. Before her we just used an old drum machine from the 1980’s we found when Dongle moved into his Dad’s garage and when that didn’t work we had to use recordings from Pantera, I repeat, Pantera.” Says bassist Rick Stringfield.

“Yeah. Nicole’s good…” is all guitarist for CTW had to say (seriously, wouldn’t even give us his name).

The only other concern raised about last night’s gig is by the owner of the dive where CTW was playing. He had a passing concern about the quality of his acoustics now that CTW has been banned from his location.

“Of course I had to ban them.” Says local dive owner, Tammy “The Hammer” Tammer “I have a reputation to uphold as the crappiest venue in Denver, Lugbit’s Bar and Grill rides on three things: We have no actual bar, no grill, and our sound system has been blown out since 1973. Nicole fixed it by playing her snare at full volume last night. Seriously, the tone and quality has never been better, how are we supposed to function as a dive if our speakers actually work how they’re supposed to? She’s ruined us! RUINED US, I SAY!!! I’m riding on my savings from my career in pro wrestling. My degree from Julliard failed to land me any roles in the local theater companies and all I have now is this dumb bar. Sure I might be half blind from manufacturing my own liquor, but this is the life, and Nicole might very well have ruined that.”

Tammy was able to mess up her speakers again after a few rounds of using them as the back room dart board and we are happy to report Ligbit’s is still as crappy a road-house as ever.

“I still think we can do better than Nicole,” Dongle insisted after negotiations were concluded. “We didn’t change anything in the agreement, but as soon as we can find another drummer with a truck that’s big enough to cart all our gear to the gig, she is out… so, um what kind of car do you happen to drive?”

All’s well that ends well for Cold Time Worship. Or is it? Nicole’s role in the music scene appears to be secure for the foreseeable future. Ligbit’s sound system is still messed up, as it should be, but the desperation of Dongle doesn’t bode well for his role in the up-and-coming Trance Metal Band.

“We’re kinda starting to think of him as dead weight anyway” Says Stringfield. “Seriously, if he didn’t let us practice in his garage-bedroom, we would probably cut him loose.”

“Yeah. Dongle’s annoying…” Is all the guitarist would say (Seriously why am I still trying?)

Dongle is treading water. It seems next negotiation may very well have him removed from the band, rather than Nicole.

Nicole has declined comment on the situation in an attempt to remain neutral.

Stay tuned for upcoming developments.


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Singer Not Catching Cold for Four Consecutive Weeks to Be Studied by Experts

singer not catching cold for four consecutive weeks to be studied by experts

By Dominic Ireland | February 2, 2019

Scientists are baffled as Patrice Bardwell, lead singer for The Skins has been on tour for four consecutive weeks and has yet to develop a cold. Nobody is quite sure what to make of the fact that 90% of touring bands lose at least one gig worth of performance due to some sort of common ailment. Despite bundling up against cold weather, drinking massive amounts of tea, and refusing to use public bathrooms often at the cost of being late for a show, singers always seem to be the band member that most often gets sick.

“Patrice faces all of the problems of the modern-day singer, but has yet to even develop a slight tickle in her throat. It’s unprecedented! Not once have I heard of even a moderately healthy singer that’s toured for more than one week, much less one with a clean bill of health after four complete weeks. If we could bottle whatever it is that keeps her so healthy, we could finally lift whatever curse singers seem to face.” Says Thomas E. Knocker head of the Human Biology department at UC Berkley.

“Yeah, man, usually most singers are all ‘Oh, I’m so sick’ or ‘that coffee at the roadhouse gave me food poisoning.’ But not Trish, man. It’s freaking mind-blowing you know what I mean?” Reports lead guitarist Ricky Dennis “The Menace” Alvarez.

Much to the disappointment of California’s best and brightest at UC Berkley, there will be no sequestering of their star subject until her tour is over, after-which point they are certain her immune system will have been compromised.

“There’s no way we’re going to be able to pull her out of that van until her tour is over in two months, but once she’s done, we’ve gotten the thumbs up from her and our colleagues at the college to run the full battery of tests, T-Cell count, Nutritional studies, Lymphatic prognostics, the whole spiel.” Says Dr. Knocker. “The problem we’ll be running into at that point is that she is almost guaranteed to have contracted some sort of virus or bacteria despite the fact that she’s doing literally everything humanly possible short of putting herself in a sterile bubble to prevent it. If she hasn’t gotten sick by the end of February, she’ll be widely considered one of the miracles of modern science.”

Local fan Geneva Kahn Ven-Chen reports: “Yeah. I guess it’s impressive? I mean, I’m just a groupie, if me exposing myself to, you know, the actual crowds doesn’t make me sick, I don’t understand how Patrice is gonna get a virus all the way up on stage… Whatever! What matters is that Patrice is taking care of herself and, thus far, hasn’t cancelled a gig. Good for her. Everyone is working really hard and they don’t deserve the standard ‘I’m too sick to perform’ when she’s fine, you know?”

Locals across the states as well as people who have followed the band for a long time are astounded to hear that Patrice hasn’t cancelled a single show due to illness. Patrice credits her incredible health to, well, herself.

“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is,” Says Patrice “I don’t get sick very often. The last time I was taken out of action on tour was last year when I was forced by my bandmates to use a gas-station bathroom. I take excellent care of myself. I have a special immune-boosting oolong tea that my mom imported from Tibet, I always stay bundled up and keep my scarf around my mouth when I’m not singing. I eat only the freshest fruits and veggies and only ever drink my own mountain spring water when I go to bars with the guys after shows. After last year, the rest of the band goes out of their way to make sure I’m only using private bathrooms in the hotels we stay at, and I always have my clutch full of sanitary wipes with me when I travel. ”

It’s a wonder that such a consistent sample of people in such a normal situation can get sick as often as singers do. It’s also, apparently a wonder that Patrice Bardwell has not. This insight has lead researchers to scour other samples of American cesspools for additional cases like Patrice’s. Some samples being considered are Elementary school kids on the attendance report, High School marching band members who can’t learn their parts or steps, and gas station attendants.

“If we can just narrow down the outliers in these areas where people are constantly calling in sick, we might be able to isolate the genetic, environmental, and nutritional variables that are effecting our society as a whole. There’s so much we can learn from outliers in situations where they shouldn’t be getting sick, but are calling out on, at least, a bi-weekly basis.” Inquires Dr. Knocker

Regardless of what the results yield, Patrice has definitely made her mark and has surely set some kind of record, right?


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“Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” Voted Most Annoying Song in History of Pop

Girls just wanna have fun voted most annoying song in history of pop
By Dominic Ireland | November 22, 2018

Cyndi Lauper has long been recognized as a wildly successful musician. From her multiple hits throughout her career, to more than 10 tours both in and out of the US. Her crazy fashion, devil may care attitude and suggestive lyrics have earned her the title of “sex icon” for many who were teens and young adults in the mid-late 80s.

Despite this disappointing legacy, her true fans and followers known of as “screechers” were elated to hear that their favorite piece “Girls Just Wanna Have Fun” has just been inducted into the Pop and Rock hall of failure as “Most Annoying Song in the History of Pop”.

“Yes, according to our considerable research, we have not only voted, but scientifically confirmed that ‘Girls Just Wanna Have Fun’ is most definitely the most annoying song in the history of Pop, if not in history, period.” Wrote Irving M. Deaf, leading researcher at the Educational Association of Research on Sound (E.A.R.S. for short)

“Oh yes, I’ve followed her throughout her career and I have to say this is the most exciting news I’ve heard in ages. It was a real downer when she started to take off. Her high pitched wails of ‘Just wanna, they just wanaaaaa’ used to wake me up every morning. There’s nothing more jarring, and I’ve passed that tradition on to my kids. It’s our version of TAPS. Now that she’s getting the attention she deserves, I feel much more entitled to my role as a screecher.” Says Kim, a 47-year-old mother of 4 and lifetime fan of Cyndi Lauper.

“It’s the perfect combination of catchy and terrible. The chorus can pop up anywhere in any social setting, nobody can remember the actual lyrics in the verses and the timbre of the young Cyndi Lauper is simply unbearable.” Raves prevailing music critic Dedum Bumpabum.

“I swear if I hear that song one more time, I’ll shove both of these pencils so far into my ears, they’ll be claiming lead poisoning as the cause of death in my autopsy.” Raves local bar owner Lee K. Taps.

In light of the recent events, local retro bars and music halls have removed the record from their collections. DJs across the US have reported “No longer playing Cyndi Lauper” alongside “No I do not take requests” on their resumes and applications.

“I can’t expect the layman to understand, but when a song is declared officially annoying, it has to be removed and banned on principal alone. If the great ‘What’s New Pussycat’ scandal of 1975 has taught us anything, it’s that the most annoying songs are always going to be played the longest and the loudest, probably out of the jukebox 20 times with a brief reprieve before they play it another 20 times in a row.” Says local diner-owner Brett Mahnek.

“If we agreed to play the songs that [the audience] wanted it would be nothing but the top 10 most annoying songs of the time. Now Cyndi has been declared most annoying, we’ll get nothing but requests for her. It’s like some sort of unspoken rule. The more annoying a song is, the more people want to hear it on the dance floor. I haven’t taken a request since 1997 and I’m not planning on starting just because some namby pamby sex icon from the 1980’s got a bee in her bonnet and decided to become ‘most annoying’ I don’t care what her so called ‘screechers’ want.” Says DJ Spinnet.

On a more global scale, the World Music and Dance Festival has put a “No 80’s sound bits” rule in place to prevent more avant-garde musicians from including any part of the song in their sets. No fewer than seven countries have added it to their blacklist of songs no longer allowed to be played on the radio, following the nomination by E.A.R.S. Pirate radio stations have been popping up off of the coasts of these countries playing nothing but this particular 1980s hit. Both authorities as well as citizens have been trying to hunt the perpetrators down.

In a surprising turn of events, Cyndi Lauper has announced a Summer Tour with fellow 80s sex icon and annoying song artist Rod Stewart. There’s even some rumor of “Da Ya Think I’m Sexy” being up for nomination next year in the newly founded Academy of Terrible Art’s “Crummy” awards for “Most Annoying Song 2018”.


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Landlord Refuses to Accept Exposure and Beer Vouchers as Rent Payment

exposure and beer vouchers as rent payment
By Dominic Ireland |November 23, 2018

Montreal

“If I had known the only thing he’d accept is money, I wouldn’t have signed the lease” proclaims Edward Burdgerdon (known to his band mates as Eddy B.).

Local Landlord and commercial bar owner Robert Barns has recently refused his tenant the ability to pay for his rent in exposure and beer vouchers, even after paying Eddy B. and his band in strictly exposure and beer vouchers for their performances in his bar for the entirety of the previous month.

“My band doesn’t usually run gigs for cheapo bar owners who won’t pay us a wage for performing, but I figured if a landlord was offering it up as legit compensation, it’s gotta be, like, some form of legal tender, right?” Explained the drummer and band manager, Martin Gottfried (known to his band mates as Marty G.)

The band mates all agreed that if their landlord was only willing to pay them in exposure and beer, that if must be exchangeable as some form of payment in other facets as well.

“Hey, man. We spend time on a stage dodging beer bottles and it’s tiring work. We deserve to get paid. When our landlord himself gave us these options as payment, we expected that he would take them back as payment for his service, too.” Said lead singer Paul Demarco (known to his band mates as Pauly D.)

So what did our local cheapo have to say when confronted with this overwhelming evidence against him? When we first reached out, he provided us with a number to a local barber shop, we assume as a method of throwing us off the case, but we persisted, when we contacted him by e-mail, he finally responded:

“I only accept payment in the form of legal tender. It says so right there in the lease.” Robert whimpered pathetically when our paper reached out to him for comment.

“Yeah, we know those guys. We let them eat out of our fridge in exchange for walking our dogs twice a day. They don’t eat much and our dogs get walked while we’re at work, so it’s a pretty fair trade.” Said the local grocery store owners, Clark and Wanda Jimenez when asked about payment only in money.

“I’ve worked for them before, It was a pretty sweet deal. They played at my son’s birthday party. They have a killer Barney cover list and all they asked for was the leftovers. I even got the Tupperware back.” Said local businessman, Connor Fletcher.

“Apparently Robert’s the only guy in town that hasn’t heard of sweat equity. I fixed their radiator last week in exchange for their latest demo CD and a poster of Dio they had hanging on the back of their front door. They even got it signed by Dio’s best friend’s aunt, so you know it’s got some authenticity.” Said local contractor, Billy Hammerstein

“This sets a pretty significant double standard. Where would we be in our society today if our friends and family didn’t accept unconditional love and affection as payment for their services of keeping us alive until we’re 18? It’s almost as if Robert hasn’t ever exchanged services for immaterial compensation before, which I find denotes a lack of character and compassion. This, of course, says more about Robert than any of my band mates.” Says the bands attorney, who accepts payment in gum and free rides to and from work every day. “Of course, defending them in a court of law will be impossible, but I’ll do my best for them. They haven’t left me waiting after work once!”

“They’re taking me to court? How could they afford the court fees?” Mr. Barns whined after we notified him they had contacted their attorney.

“The accounting clerk for our city accepts our parent’s Wi-Fi passwords as compensation for court fees.” Explains previous band member William Parker (We’re not allowed to give out his abbreviated band name). “The city clerks really good friends with all of them and appreciates not having to ask when he goes over, because, obviously that can get really awkward, and he’s really shy and has a hard time as it is getting out at all, why make it harder for him right? We’re all in it for the benefit of the community at large. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.”

More information on the groundbreaking story is on its way as the trial date for this exchange is set for November 15th.


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