Drummer Ruins Gig by Not Putting Wallet on Snare

drummer ruins gig by not puttin wallet on snare

By Dominic Ireland | February 9, 2019

Norwegian Trance Metal band “Cold Time Worship” drummer Nicole Speck has been credited with ruining her bands entire gig Monday night after not muting her snare by placing her wallet on it. In what many consider a “you had one job” scenario, her bandmates are re-negotiating her contract.

“This fiasco has lost us any further exposure at this venue, and that’s all we had going for us at this point. The wallet trick is the oldest in the book and she could have pulled it out and put it down on her kit at any point in the set. What did she do? She continued to play that snare at full blast the entire show. So unprofessional. What are we supposed to do now, buy a professional snare mute? As if! I’ve been eating ramen for three months since my welfare ran out.” Says lead singer Bryan “Dongle” Brickerson.

While Nicole’s error was major, there is the significant reassurance of job security as she is a drummer. This will give her quite a playing card in negotiations moving forward. Drummers are few and far between, especially in the metal world.

“Nicole’s a bit of a noob sometimes, but there’s no way we’re going to let her go. Do you know how hard it is to find a drummer? It took us four years to finally convince her to join our band. Before her we just used an old drum machine from the 1980’s we found when Dongle moved into his Dad’s garage and when that didn’t work we had to use recordings from Pantera, I repeat, Pantera.” Says bassist Rick Stringfield.

“Yeah. Nicole’s good…” is all guitarist for CTW had to say (seriously, wouldn’t even give us his name).

The only other concern raised about last night’s gig is by the owner of the dive where CTW was playing. He had a passing concern about the quality of his acoustics now that CTW has been banned from his location.

“Of course I had to ban them.” Says local dive owner, Tammy “The Hammer” Tammer “I have a reputation to uphold as the crappiest venue in Denver, Lugbit’s Bar and Grill rides on three things: We have no actual bar, no grill, and our sound system has been blown out since 1973. Nicole fixed it by playing her snare at full volume last night. Seriously, the tone and quality has never been better, how are we supposed to function as a dive if our speakers actually work how they’re supposed to? She’s ruined us! RUINED US, I SAY!!! I’m riding on my savings from my career in pro wrestling. My degree from Julliard failed to land me any roles in the local theater companies and all I have now is this dumb bar. Sure I might be half blind from manufacturing my own liquor, but this is the life, and Nicole might very well have ruined that.”

Tammy was able to mess up her speakers again after a few rounds of using them as the back room dart board and we are happy to report Ligbit’s is still as crappy a road-house as ever.

“I still think we can do better than Nicole,” Dongle insisted after negotiations were concluded. “We didn’t change anything in the agreement, but as soon as we can find another drummer with a truck that’s big enough to cart all our gear to the gig, she is out… so, um what kind of car do you happen to drive?”

All’s well that ends well for Cold Time Worship. Or is it? Nicole’s role in the music scene appears to be secure for the foreseeable future. Ligbit’s sound system is still messed up, as it should be, but the desperation of Dongle doesn’t bode well for his role in the up-and-coming Trance Metal Band.

“We’re kinda starting to think of him as dead weight anyway” Says Stringfield. “Seriously, if he didn’t let us practice in his garage-bedroom, we would probably cut him loose.”

“Yeah. Dongle’s annoying…” Is all the guitarist would say (Seriously why am I still trying?)

Dongle is treading water. It seems next negotiation may very well have him removed from the band, rather than Nicole.

Nicole has declined comment on the situation in an attempt to remain neutral.

Stay tuned for upcoming developments.


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Singer Not Catching Cold for Four Consecutive Weeks to Be Studied by Experts

singer not catching cold for four consecutive weeks to be studied by experts

By Dominic Ireland | February 2, 2019

Scientists are baffled as Patrice Bardwell, lead singer for The Skins has been on tour for four consecutive weeks and has yet to develop a cold. Nobody is quite sure what to make of the fact that 90% of touring bands lose at least one gig worth of performance due to some sort of common ailment. Despite bundling up against cold weather, drinking massive amounts of tea, and refusing to use public bathrooms often at the cost of being late for a show, singers always seem to be the band member that most often gets sick.

“Patrice faces all of the problems of the modern-day singer, but has yet to even develop a slight tickle in her throat. It’s unprecedented! Not once have I heard of even a moderately healthy singer that’s toured for more than one week, much less one with a clean bill of health after four complete weeks. If we could bottle whatever it is that keeps her so healthy, we could finally lift whatever curse singers seem to face.” Says Thomas E. Knocker head of the Human Biology department at UC Berkley.

“Yeah, man, usually most singers are all ‘Oh, I’m so sick’ or ‘that coffee at the roadhouse gave me food poisoning.’ But not Trish, man. It’s freaking mind-blowing you know what I mean?” Reports lead guitarist Ricky Dennis “The Menace” Alvarez.

Much to the disappointment of California’s best and brightest at UC Berkley, there will be no sequestering of their star subject until her tour is over, after-which point they are certain her immune system will have been compromised.

“There’s no way we’re going to be able to pull her out of that van until her tour is over in two months, but once she’s done, we’ve gotten the thumbs up from her and our colleagues at the college to run the full battery of tests, T-Cell count, Nutritional studies, Lymphatic prognostics, the whole spiel.” Says Dr. Knocker. “The problem we’ll be running into at that point is that she is almost guaranteed to have contracted some sort of virus or bacteria despite the fact that she’s doing literally everything humanly possible short of putting herself in a sterile bubble to prevent it. If she hasn’t gotten sick by the end of February, she’ll be widely considered one of the miracles of modern science.”

Local fan Geneva Kahn Ven-Chen reports: “Yeah. I guess it’s impressive? I mean, I’m just a groupie, if me exposing myself to, you know, the actual crowds doesn’t make me sick, I don’t understand how Patrice is gonna get a virus all the way up on stage… Whatever! What matters is that Patrice is taking care of herself and, thus far, hasn’t cancelled a gig. Good for her. Everyone is working really hard and they don’t deserve the standard ‘I’m too sick to perform’ when she’s fine, you know?”

Locals across the states as well as people who have followed the band for a long time are astounded to hear that Patrice hasn’t cancelled a single show due to illness. Patrice credits her incredible health to, well, herself.

“I honestly don’t know what the big deal is,” Says Patrice “I don’t get sick very often. The last time I was taken out of action on tour was last year when I was forced by my bandmates to use a gas-station bathroom. I take excellent care of myself. I have a special immune-boosting oolong tea that my mom imported from Tibet, I always stay bundled up and keep my scarf around my mouth when I’m not singing. I eat only the freshest fruits and veggies and only ever drink my own mountain spring water when I go to bars with the guys after shows. After last year, the rest of the band goes out of their way to make sure I’m only using private bathrooms in the hotels we stay at, and I always have my clutch full of sanitary wipes with me when I travel. ”

It’s a wonder that such a consistent sample of people in such a normal situation can get sick as often as singers do. It’s also, apparently a wonder that Patrice Bardwell has not. This insight has lead researchers to scour other samples of American cesspools for additional cases like Patrice’s. Some samples being considered are Elementary school kids on the attendance report, High School marching band members who can’t learn their parts or steps, and gas station attendants.

“If we can just narrow down the outliers in these areas where people are constantly calling in sick, we might be able to isolate the genetic, environmental, and nutritional variables that are effecting our society as a whole. There’s so much we can learn from outliers in situations where they shouldn’t be getting sick, but are calling out on, at least, a bi-weekly basis.” Inquires Dr. Knocker

Regardless of what the results yield, Patrice has definitely made her mark and has surely set some kind of record, right?


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