Musician’s Horoscope – January

musician's horoscope for January

Your monthly horoscope by Jason Lowbatt

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This month, you might experience difficulties making a viable business around your art. Consider changing career.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Promotion of your band’s music and building an audience might be challenging this month, Taurus. Consider a new career.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This month, you might find yourself playing a gig with a band that mistake soundcheck for a practice. Try to remain calm and quit the band as soon as possible.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you’re playing on a double bill, the drummer from the following band might ask to borrow your cymbals. Set healthy boundaries.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This month, it will be hard find to balance between drinking just enough to cope with stage fright and accidentally getting shit-faced.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Mars moves into your sign in January: don’t eat too much after soundcheck.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You could experience difficulties getting to venues, due to the sun that merges with Saturn, and the fact that you do not own a car.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Mercury moves into Capricorn on the 19th, signaling you may be ready for a day job.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
With a solar eclipse in Capricorn on the 21nd, if travelling, you might have to stop at Tim Hortons again for lunch.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A Leo full moon indicates that if you have to travel in a van with your band mates, you’ll be the one that has to pee most often.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As the Capricorn new moon and eclipse align on January 7, the producers of the show you’re on will have budget for hair & makeup but not for a guitar tech.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Mars enters Libra so you can expect an unusual amount of guys that also play drums to come and chat with you between sets.


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Stupid Shit

Follow the absurd adventures of Lizzy, Jeff and Stuffy, three band mates trying to make an honest living in a world of inconsiderate promoters and well-payed DJs.

Stay informed. Our News department works hard every hour of the day to bring you the stories that matter: Landlord refuses to accept exposure and beer vouchers as rent payment. Drummer ruins gig by not putting his wallet on his snare. Band genuinely surprised when crowd cheers for an encore.

Visit our DIY section to acquire some new skills essential to your music career: How to DIY everything, How to stay productive when working from home in sweat pants, How to politely end conversations with drunk music fans at venues.

Predictions for Your Future

That’s right. We hired a team of the most gifted astrologists in the country to bring to you your monthly musician’s horoscope.

Weirdly Specific Products for Musicians

We design products with jokes that only musicians can understand. How’s that for a profitable business.

funny gifts for musicians

these are the picks I throw at the audience

Personalized Music Themed Items

You read well: many of our designs are customizable. Choose the color of the sweater. Add your nephew’s name on a gig bag. Put your logo on a flash drive.

Maybe you need a very small quantity of products with your band’s name on it. Well, we have some customizable band merch coming up, and you can order as little as you need. Because, you know, jazz music.

In this world, it seems everyone and their mom need a personal branding. Good thing we have the coolest musician business card template for you to fill out with your info.

Vintage style tweed guitar amp business card

Oh, I see your business cards match the sign on your door and your laptop sleeve has those same colors with your name on it. You must be very professional. Let me get my cheque book. Here’s my son Jimmy, please teach him the piano for the next ten years“.
– any parent

Stuff to Share on Social Media

You know it: if you don’t share something twice a minute on social media, people start thinking you retired. But there’s only so much “my office for the night” venue pictures you can post in one week, right? We’ve got you covered with both funny and nice-looking content. In other words, you can totally repost our memes.

Free Stuff

With teaching little Jimmy the piano for a decade, there comes another problem: you’re going to get sick of looking at the same visually boring teaching material. Jimmy will too. Well, let’s be merry with a first freebie:  printable assets for music teachers, free when you sign up for our silly newsletter.

Tweed Amp Printable Teacher Kit.

the tweed amp printable teacher kit


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