Musician’s Horoscope: April

musician's horoscope for April

Your monthly horoscope by Jason Lowbatt

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This month, you might have to go through four years of random riffs named “new groove” in your voice memos to find an idea for a theme song. Be patient, and keep in mind you recorded most of these while you were high.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) 
Mercury enters Leo so you can expect feeling overwhelmed by an unusual amount of half used 9v batteries in your cupboard.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) 
As the Libra new moon and eclipse align on April 7, you might get you bass stolen before you had time to send that payment to your insurance company. You may have to hit the pawn shops.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
With a solar eclipse in Mars on the 2nd, you might finally summon up the courage to restring that one with the floyd rose. But you could totally wait another month, like, you don’t play it that much, it’s still fine.

Leo (July 23-August 22) 
This month, if attending a party, you might find yourself having to discuss music with a jazz snob. Try your best to approach the situation diplomatically, but you may decide to slowly walk away.

Virgo (August 23-September 22) 
Jupiter moves into your sign in April: when the crowd cheers for an encore, act surprised.

Libra (September 23-October 22) 
You could experience difficulties getting over your last breakup, due to the sun that merges with Pluto, and the fact that you’re playing at five different weddings this month.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) 
If you’re going on tour, you might have to room with a night farter.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) 
This month, it will be hard to find balance between resenting DJs for making twice the pay of a whole band by pressing spacebar, and wanting to become a DJ.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) 
A Scorpio full moon indicates that you’ve been eating pasta every other day for the past decade. Find ways of increasing your annual income.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) 
When the moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars, then peace will guide the planets and love will steer the stars. This is the dawning of the age of Aquarius
Age of Aquarius
Aquarius
Aquarius

Pisces (February 19-March 20) 
Having to learn an entire set in two days when you haven’t practiced your instrument these last two months because you were considering giving up music because you have no gigs, might be challenging this month, Pisces.


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Musician’s Horoscope: March

Your monthly horoscope by Jason Lowbatt

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Mars enters Capricorn so you can expect an unusual amount of assholes messing with the settings of your amp while you’re playing.

Taurus (April 20-May 20) 
This month, you might have to use public transportation at rush hour whilst carrying your guitar, amp and pedals.

Gemini (May 21-June 20) 
With a solar eclipse in Saturn on the 14th, you might finally get your first gig of 2019. In June.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
This month, you might find yourself dealing with an awful sound tech: remain calm and pretend you believe them when they say that Of course you’re pre-fader.

Leo (July 23-August 22) 
Saturn moves into your sign in March: reconsider your project of going to New York to « make it ».

Virgo (August 23-September 22) 
You could experience difficulties scheduling a practice with your band, due to the sun that merges with Venus, and the fact that all members have four other bands and a day job.

Libra (September 23-October 22) 
If you’re playing live in bars or cafés, some of your gigs might start 45 minutes late. So if you’re in Montreal, expect a delay of an hour and a half.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21) 
This month, it will be hard to find balance between wanting to advertise your freelance music teaching business and the fear of letting creeps in your home.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21) 
A Libra full moon indicates that you might think about quitting music altogether at least 5 times this month.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19) 
Operating equipment you don’t know the first thing about, while the success of the gig depends on it, might be challenging this month, Capricorn.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18) 
Venus moves into Sagittarius on the 1st, signaling that most people coming to audition for your band will barely know how to play their instrument.

Pisces (February 19-March 20) 
As the Aquarius new moon and eclipse align on March 7, you might get a free pack of strings if you put this link on your website: www.stringsandbeyond.com.


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Musician’s Horoscope – February

musician's horoscope for february

Your monthly horoscope by Jason Lowbatt

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This month, you might have to plan finances and declare self-employed business whilst not knowing the first thing about accounting.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
With a solar eclipse in Saturn on the 14th, you will be very broke.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This month, you might find yourself dealing with a shit sound guy: remain calm and pretend you didn’t know he just had to turn on phantom power this whole time.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
Saturn moves into your sign in February: debt awaits.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
You could experience difficulties socializing, due to the sun that merges with Mars, and the fact that you work different hours than the rest of society.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
If you’re playing on a double bill, the guitar player from the following band might ask to borrow your amp. Kindly tell them to fuck off.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
This month, especially at night, it will be hard find to balance between using a fan to cover the sound of your tinnitus and being unable to sleep due to the noise of a fan.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
A Leo full moon indicates that using a computer to run a blog about music puts you more at risk of repetitive strain injury than practicing your instrument every day.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
Making ends meet might be challenging this month, Sagittarius.

…every month. This might be challenging every month.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
Mercury moves into Capricorn on the 19th, signaling venue promoters might not treat musicians fairly.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
Mars enters Libra so you can expect an unusual amount of feedback in your monitor.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
As the Capricorn new moon and eclipse align on February 7, there is zero chance of your equipment messing up right before you go on stage.


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Musician’s Horoscope – January

musician's horoscope for January

Your monthly horoscope by Jason Lowbatt

Aries (March 21-April 19)
This month, you might experience difficulties making a viable business around your art. Consider changing career.

Taurus (April 20-May 20)
Promotion of your band’s music and building an audience might be challenging this month, Taurus. Consider a new career.

Gemini (May 21-June 20)
This month, you might find yourself playing a gig with a band that mistake soundcheck for a practice. Try to remain calm and quit the band as soon as possible.

Cancer (June 21-July 22)
If you’re playing on a double bill, the drummer from the following band might ask to borrow your cymbals. Set healthy boundaries.

Leo (July 23-August 22)
This month, it will be hard find to balance between drinking just enough to cope with stage fright and accidentally getting shit-faced.

Virgo (August 23-September 22)
Mars moves into your sign in January: don’t eat too much after soundcheck.

Libra (September 23-October 22)
You could experience difficulties getting to venues, due to the sun that merges with Saturn, and the fact that you do not own a car.

Scorpio (October 23-November 21)
Mercury moves into Capricorn on the 19th, signaling you may be ready for a day job.

Sagittarius (November 22-December 21)
With a solar eclipse in Capricorn on the 21nd, if travelling, you might have to stop at Tim Hortons again for lunch.

Capricorn (December 22-January 19)
A Leo full moon indicates that if you have to travel in a van with your band mates, you’ll be the one that has to pee most often.

Aquarius (January 20-February 18)
As the Capricorn new moon and eclipse align on January 7, the producers of the show you’re on will have budget for hair & makeup but not for a guitar tech.

Pisces (February 19-March 20)
Mars enters Libra so you can expect an unusual amount of guys that also play drums to come and chat with you between sets.


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Landlord Refuses to Accept Exposure and Beer Vouchers as Rent Payment

exposure and beer vouchers as rent payment
By Dominic Ireland |November 23, 2018

Montreal

“If I had known the only thing he’d accept is money, I wouldn’t have signed the lease” proclaims Edward Burdgerdon (known to his band mates as Eddy B.).

Local Landlord and commercial bar owner Robert Barns has recently refused his tenant the ability to pay for his rent in exposure and beer vouchers, even after paying Eddy B. and his band in strictly exposure and beer vouchers for their performances in his bar for the entirety of the previous month.

“My band doesn’t usually run gigs for cheapo bar owners who won’t pay us a wage for performing, but I figured if a landlord was offering it up as legit compensation, it’s gotta be, like, some form of legal tender, right?” Explained the drummer and band manager, Martin Gottfried (known to his band mates as Marty G.)

The band mates all agreed that if their landlord was only willing to pay them in exposure and beer, that if must be exchangeable as some form of payment in other facets as well.

“Hey, man. We spend time on a stage dodging beer bottles and it’s tiring work. We deserve to get paid. When our landlord himself gave us these options as payment, we expected that he would take them back as payment for his service, too.” Said lead singer Paul Demarco (known to his band mates as Pauly D.)

So what did our local cheapo have to say when confronted with this overwhelming evidence against him? When we first reached out, he provided us with a number to a local barber shop, we assume as a method of throwing us off the case, but we persisted, when we contacted him by e-mail, he finally responded:

“I only accept payment in the form of legal tender. It says so right there in the lease.” Robert whimpered pathetically when our paper reached out to him for comment.

“Yeah, we know those guys. We let them eat out of our fridge in exchange for walking our dogs twice a day. They don’t eat much and our dogs get walked while we’re at work, so it’s a pretty fair trade.” Said the local grocery store owners, Clark and Wanda Jimenez when asked about payment only in money.

“I’ve worked for them before, It was a pretty sweet deal. They played at my son’s birthday party. They have a killer Barney cover list and all they asked for was the leftovers. I even got the Tupperware back.” Said local businessman, Connor Fletcher.

“Apparently Robert’s the only guy in town that hasn’t heard of sweat equity. I fixed their radiator last week in exchange for their latest demo CD and a poster of Dio they had hanging on the back of their front door. They even got it signed by Dio’s best friend’s aunt, so you know it’s got some authenticity.” Said local contractor, Billy Hammerstein

“This sets a pretty significant double standard. Where would we be in our society today if our friends and family didn’t accept unconditional love and affection as payment for their services of keeping us alive until we’re 18? It’s almost as if Robert hasn’t ever exchanged services for immaterial compensation before, which I find denotes a lack of character and compassion. This, of course, says more about Robert than any of my band mates.” Says the bands attorney, who accepts payment in gum and free rides to and from work every day. “Of course, defending them in a court of law will be impossible, but I’ll do my best for them. They haven’t left me waiting after work once!”

“They’re taking me to court? How could they afford the court fees?” Mr. Barns whined after we notified him they had contacted their attorney.

“The accounting clerk for our city accepts our parent’s Wi-Fi passwords as compensation for court fees.” Explains previous band member William Parker (We’re not allowed to give out his abbreviated band name). “The city clerks really good friends with all of them and appreciates not having to ask when he goes over, because, obviously that can get really awkward, and he’s really shy and has a hard time as it is getting out at all, why make it harder for him right? We’re all in it for the benefit of the community at large. It takes all kinds to make the world go round.”

More information on the groundbreaking story is on its way as the trial date for this exchange is set for November 15th.


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